as featured on substack
I sit down at the dining table with my dinner and devices trying to find someone to connect with. My roommates aren’t home. I’m single. My family is in a different time zone. I haven’t had a meaningful conversation with anyone all day. I open the YouTube app on my phone and pull up “How An Ancient Ocean Shaped US History” by PBS Terra. I don’t want to watch it on my phone. I open my laptop to watch the video on my web browser but my Wi-Fi isn’t working. At 7:30pm on a weeknight, I call Astound who helps me troubleshoot my connectivity issues. We restart the modem but my devices are still not getting a signal. They can’t help. They have to send someone later this week. We hang up. Just a few minutes later my friend Emily Facetimes me from Australia while she’s eating lunch. Finally, I can eat.
I wonder what my clients would think if I told them that I also eat in front of my devices. We could spend multiple sessions in a row talking about mindfulness, carefully examining every cue that their body gives them regarding their appetite and experiences with food. But if that session is just before my lunch break, I will go straight to the kitchen afterwards and bring my phone with me. I spend most of my work week encouraging clients to eat without distractions such as watching tv, scrolling through social media, checking emails, or playing a game on their phone. But outside of work I’m just a normal person trying to get through my day in whatever way makes it tolerable.
Although the advice that I’m giving them is helpful to a degree, it’s also a bit tone deaf. Not the part about listening to their bodies but the part about them needing to eat without technological distractions. It holds the individual responsible to override a biological pattern that has been forming for as long as we’ve existed. It tells individuals “We know our society makes it nearly impossible for most people to have strong community connections but don’t you dare try to meet those needs with the tools that we gave you to substitute those connections.” Then, us Dietitians reinforce this backward narrative by encouraging our clients to have the willpower to put their devices down and to eat Alone.
Humans are a social species
Humans were not made to eat alone. In fact, humans weren’t even made to be alone. Evidence of our social nature can be found dating as far back as 3 million years ago when our ancestors were hunting and gathering in groups1. Social groups historically provide greater protection from predators as well as a physical advantage while hunting prey. Communal hunting and eating allows members of the group to share resources such as food, aiding in the survival of its members.
The benefits of socialization have led our brains to develop pathways that reward us for being active members of social groups. When we engage in intimacy such as hugging, stroking, cuddling, and conversation, our brain rewards us by releasing oxytocin, dopamine, and vasopressin2. Vitale and Smith2 note that when we are removed from social groups or experience trait loneliness (i.e. persistent levels of loneliness), we often experience increased levels of anxiety and depression and a lower pain threshold.
Evidence of the importance of socialization plays out all around us. Loneliness is a high risk factor for substance use disorder3 leaving those who are marginalized or socially ostracized at particular risk for substance abuse4,5. Teenagers who participate in less than 3 family meals per week are four times more likely to engage in tobacco use than teens who participate in 3-5 family meals per week6. Teens who eat with their family less than 3 times per week are also twice as likely to use alcohol, and 2.5 times more likely to use marijuana. Family meals are an important time for members to connect, debrief, and receive support. Beyond simple conversation, the ritual of family dinner also provides a sense of security and stability for children. Providing a nightly meal teaches children that they can trust their parents to meet their basic needs, securing the bond of the family system.
Loss of the family meal
But in the past several decades, American households have distanced themselves from the “family meal” partly due to a shift in labor. Although there are more households with two working parents than in years past, there is still an unequal distribution of labor amongst parents7. Women are still performing more household labor than men despite participating in dual-career households8. The increased labor of the American mother has made it more challenging to put consistent homemade meals on the dining table. Gen X and Millennials are having children later in life than their parents, resulting in older grandparents and less support. Even if parents in dual-career households wanted one parent to stay home to focus on domestic work, it is much more challenging for families to sustain off of a single-income compared to previous generations9.
When families do eat together, they often find it challenging to do so without the help of devices. While Gen X and Millennials entered parenthood with less resources to allocate toward domestic labor, they were also presented with handheld devices. If you’re already spread thin, why take the time to round up a tote bag of coloring books and dolls when you take your child to any public place? Why not instead just hand them a hypnotic smartphone as your own personal babysitter?
I don’t blame parents who have relied on handing their kids devices to help them get through the day because it was likely a seemingly-necessary intervention at a time when there was very little awareness of technology’s permanency in our culture. Since the iPhone was released in 2007, we have much more evidence that newer tech impairs the social skills of children10. Although many parents seem to be having more conversations regarding mindful device usage, it isn’t very easy to take the devices away. Devices have become us. Even as I write this, I’m doing so in a Google doc on my smartphone instead of my notebook because before leaving my house for the weekend I decided that lugging around a notebook was dead weight. Our devices simply have too much value to completely break up with them.
United States of social isolation
Beyond the traditional family system, there is a whole generation that lives in more socially isolated environments than their parents did at the same age. Millennials are not only less likely to have children than previous generations, but are more likely to live alone or with just one other person. A 2019 study showed that 45% of millennials lived alone while only 31% of boomers lived alone at similar ages10.
Not only have family meals become harder to practice, but as neocolonialist America has continued to expand, so has the distance between community members. The infrastructure of this country was designed to keep people apart. Many U.S. highways were built cutting straight through cities, often creating segregating lines between different racial groups of socioeconomic backgrounds11. Most of the country was built around highways, connecting neighborhoods with large multi-lane roads. Even when a sidewalk is available to walk down a major commercial area, what makes it safe or better yet tolerable? As hundreds of vehicles pass you on the quarter mile walk between Starbucks and Walmart, feeling the sun’s heat reflecting off the pavement.
Outside of major commercial roads, most U.S. cities and towns are simply unwalkable, making it harder for folks to have tight-knit communities. And when they try to enter areas in which it is easier to do so, the barrier of entry is high. As evidenced by the room that I’m renting in a house for $1,250 a month in a neighborhood in Seattle in which I can hear the sound of gunshots within a two block radius on a weekly basis.
While other countries provide walkable areas and plenty of third spaces, Americans often struggle to find access to community spaces. Similarly to my renting experience, third spaces often come with a hefty cost. Lately I’ve been finding it hard to find an 8 oz. Americano that costs less than $4, while more community-centered cities abroad often provide similar goods for a significantly lower cost12. Although a coffee isn’t a requirement to meet up with a friend, it historically acts as a tool to organically draw individuals out of their homes to gather in community spaces.
Simply put, our culture is not designed to encourage organic communal engagement. Fences separate us from our neighbors. The square footage of our homes only continues to get bigger, allowing us to isolate into more corners of our households13. More Americans have grown distant from religious institutions that were the center of most communities in the previous century14. And while Gen X and Millennials are more likely than their parents to live alone or only with a partner, our culture doesn’t seem to have completely recovered from 1950’s nuclear-family propaganda15. The pursuit of economically sustaining oneself is still the foundation of the American dream. The evidence that our society is impacting community connections is obvious, as Millennials report higher levels of loneliness than any other generation16 and most Americans are eating their dinners alone17.
Turning to devices
In a culture that makes it challenging for us to connect, it is only natural for us to find other ways to do so in order to meet our social needs. Our bodies are biologically wired to do so. When we are immediately withdrawn from social connections, the human body releases a large amount of dopamine to motivate us to seek out connections2. But as we become more distant from others, and consequently more lonely, dopamine lowers and motivation weakens. Instead we become irritable creatures who find socializing stressful and challenging. Our cortisol levels drop in the morning, an opposing pattern to a healthy individual that requires high cortisol to wake up. These chronically lonely individuals spend most of their days tired with a resurgence of energy in the evening when their cortisol levels inappropriately peak2.
Despite loneliness’ disruptive impact on neurotransmitter regulation, we must find relief somewhere. Historically, many socially isolated populations find this relief through alcohol or drugs18. Current generations have been given an additional tool to cope: handheld devices. Not only does scrolling through apps and receiving notifications give us instant hits of dopamine18, but social media gives us the ability to connect with whoever we want, whenever we want. Why allow yourself to feel lonely at a meal when you could scroll through TikTok, convincing your brain that you are having normal social interactions? In reality, you are most likely watching a video of a person talking to a camera who is equally as lonely as you.
A redirection toward social change
As Dietitians, how can we tell people that instead of seeking out faux social engagement through our phones, that they should stare at their food and pay attention to every single smell, flavor, and texture change until they finish their food? The power of mindfulness cannot be understated but at what point does it become overemphasized? Is lack of mindfulness the problem? Or is it the absence of community systems that lead so many of us to use hypnotic devices to distract us from our loneliness.
My argument is not against mindful eating; it’s actually completely for it. But I think that we often lose track of the role socialization plays in mindful eating. Engaging in conversation not only allows us to pause between bites, but provides us an opportunity to stay at the table when a meal is done. This natural pause gives us time to digest what we’ve already eaten and decide if we want more. Eating with others provides us subtle prompts to inform our own choices. Another person putting their fork down may prompt us to notice how close our body is to desiring the same action. Observing another person reaching for seconds may make you question whether or not you are interested in doing the same. Also, are any of us capable of getting through a single social meal without commenting on our food? When we eat with others, we share both subjective and objective commentary about the food allowing us to not only identify our own experience, but create curiosity when compared to the discourse shared with others.
Mindfulness can help people get in touch with their bodies cues, but we should be cautious to avoid commodifying it within a late-stage capitalist society. While some use it as an education tool, others sell mindful eating as a required daily practice, isolating it from otherwise healthy experiences such as social eating. As much as I love food and can never get tired of inhaling several consecutive wafts of Tom Kha Gai, it is not only unnecessary to commit your meal to meditation but distracting from what led us to require it. A combination of a fast-paced culture founded on mind-body dualism and lack of adequate community systems have led us to depend on devices to meet our social and relaxation needs, consequently removing us from our bodies.
Our Responsibility
So what can we do? If the issues that led us here are systemic, what is within our power to control? You can start by giving yourself some forgiveness for the resources that you do not have access to, and center your focus on what you can control. This is especially true for families. If you can’t find a time for the whole family to eat dinner together, what about an after school snack? Or after dinner snack? Is there one or two days a week in which the whole family can sit down at the table? Or better yet, cook a meal together? Even if not, is there a day in which at least one child can have some input on what you’re cooking and help prepare the meal too?
It can be exhausting to have to constantly entertain your kids, but you are still allowed to use tools that do it for you. Bring a game to the family dinner table such as a card deck of trivia questions. Children will have a blast. Teens may act like it’s lame but keep in mind that teens have a different type of fun. And if a card game is allowing your teens to playfully rag on each other, they are bonding. Age appropriate connection will help motivate your kids to participate in meals.
If you’re unable to cook dinner consistently, consider practicing meal sharing with friends. Choose another family to exchange a weekly or bi-weekly meal with, thus reducing your personal labor. Alternatively, if you want to be able to spend more time with friends but domestic labor gets in the way, consider cooking together once a week to have joint-family dinner.
For individuals who live alone, my advice is simple: try, try, try to find connection. Make dinner with your friends once a week and rotate whose house you go to. If you spend time with friends, pair it with a meal. Organize dinner with your roommates. Maybe you cook altogether or one person chooses one night a week to cook a meal for everyone. If you’re in a new city or lack social connections, rethink where you have dinner. Should it be at home? Plenty of meet-up groups such as book clubs, writing circles, and more tend to meet at cafes, restaurants, or over meal times which can help you engage in social eating.
If you are in a more rural area, can you facetime someone when you eat? When you cook? Can you write a card to an older relative who may live far away? All of these actions may seem incredibly small at first, but they end up adding up. The more you seek connection, the more connection will find you.
For providers: I know many of us don’t want to be political, but how can we not be when humans are significantly impacted by social determinants of health? Especially when we have so much power to do something about it. Mindful eating is a helpful tool, but don’t let it be a bandaid for a much larger problem. Don’t shame a client for being unable to put it into practice when they are being deprived of some of their most basic needs.
Encourage connections. As Dietitians, how is that outside our scope of practice? Food is social. What do we do at birthday parties? Eat. What do we do on Holidays? Eat. Graduations? Eat. Celebrations? Eat. Weddings? Eat. Funerals? Eat. Our ancestors chose to share food to encourage their survival and now it is central to our DNA. It would be a disservice to our patients to ignore that fact.
Outside of sessions, advocate.
Advocate for reproductive rights so women do not have to bear children they do not have the resources to raise.
Advocate for equal rights so women can get closer to sharing labor equally within the household..
Support mental health resources and education in schools, especially for men so that men feel more confident in having caregiver roles.
Advocate for affordable childcare.
Support trans rights so folx can safely leave their homes to find community.
Support infrastructure that cares for the disabled so they have safe and reliable transportation to visit their friends in community settings.
Challenge capitalism. I know that may not seem like the role of a dietitian. But the destruction of communities and separation of extended family systems has taught us that the nuclear family is the only way to meet our social needs, creating a. economic system that leads family systems with minimal resources.
Pay attention to infrastructure, car-centric towns and cities distance us from our loved ones, limiting community engagement.
Encourage community engagement.
Fight systemic xenophobia and racism.
Simply put, fight for community systems for all.
References:
1. Hunter-gatherer culture. Education. Accessed March 18, 2024. https://education.nationalgeographic.org/resource/hunter-gatherer-culture/.
2. Vitale, Erika M., and Adam S. Smith. “Neurobiology of loneliness, isolation, and loss: Integrating human and Animal Perspectives.” Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, vol. 16, 8 Apr. 2022, https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2022.846315.
3. Mills R, Zullig KJ, Theeke LA, Lander LR, Hobbs GR, Herczyk J, Davis SM. Assessing Loneliness among Adults Receiving Outpatient Treatment with Medication for Opioid Use Disorder (MOUD). International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2022; 19(20):13481. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph192013481
4. Nina C Christie, The role of social isolation in opioid addiction, Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, Volume 16, Issue 7, July 2021, Pages 645–656, https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsab029
5. Amaro, Hortensia, et al. “Social vulnerabilities for substance use: Stressors, socially toxic environments, and discrimination and racism.” Neuropharmacology, vol. 188, 1 May 2021, p. 108518, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuropharm.2021.108518.
6. “Commentary: Studies Find That Dinner Makes a Difference; Family Day Spreads the Word.” Commentary: Studies Find That Dinner Makes a Difference; Family Day Spreads the Word, Partnership to End Addiction, Sept. 2011, drugfree.org/drug-and-alcohol-news/commentary-studies-find-that-dinner-makes-a-difference-family-day-spreads-the-word/.
7. Hsu, Andrea. “Women Are Earning More Money. but They’re Still Picking up a Heavier Load at Home.” NPR, NPR, 13 Apr. 2023, http://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care.
8. Brennan, Ed. “Women Still Do More Housework than Men. Can Ai Help?” UMass Lowell, 19 Sept. 2023, http://www.uml.edu/news/stories/2023/ai-gendered-division-household-labor.aspx#:~:text=The%20Bureau%20of%20Labor%20Statistics,to%202.75%20hours%20per%20day.
9. “Why Millennials Can’t Afford Homes: Housing Prices vs. Inflation.” Anytime Estimate, anytimeestimate.com/research/housing-prices-vs-inflation/#:~:text=Housing%20prices%20have%20increased%20393,That’s%20only%200.5%25%20per%20year. Accessed 1 Apr. 2024.
10. Prothero, Arianna. “Is Tech Destroying Kids’ Social Skills? Here’s How Social-Emotional Learning Can Help.” Education Week, Education Week, 14 Apr. 2022, http://www.edweek.org/leadership/is-tech-destroying-kids-social-skills-heres-how-social-emotional-learning-can-help/2022/04.
11. Evans, Farrell. “How Interstate Highways Gutted Communities-and Reinforced Segregation.” History.Com, A&E Television Networks, 21 Sept. 2023, http://www.history.com/news/interstate-highway-system-infrastructure-construction-segregation.
12. “This Is How Much a Cup of Coffee Would Cost around the World.” Waka Coffee & Tea, http://www.wakacoffee.com/blogs/coffeelifeblog/cost-of-coffee-arond-the-world. Accessed 1 Apr. 2024.
13. “Why Are Us Homes Getting Bigger While Households Shrink?” USAFacts, USAFacts, 8 Sept. 2023, usafacts.org/articles/why-are-us-homes-getting-bigger-while-households-shrink/.
14. “How U.S. Religious Composition Has Changed in Recent Decades.” Pew Research Center’s Religion & Public Life Project, Pew Research Center, 13 Sept. 2022, http://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2022/09/13/how-u-s-religious-composition-has-changed-in-recent-decades/.
15. “Dinner with the Nuclear Family, 1950.” Dinner with the Nuclear Family, 1950 | Gilder Lehrman Institute of American History, http://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-resources/spotlight-primary-source/dinner-nuclear-family-1950. Accessed 1 Apr. 2024.
16. Resnick, Brian. “22 Percent of Millennials Say They Have ‘No Friends.’” Vox, Vox, 1 Aug. 2019, http://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2019/8/1/20750047/millennials-poll-loneliness.
17. Swns. “Here’s How Many Meals the Average American Eats Alone.” New York Post, New York Post, 8 Oct. 2019, nypost.com/2019/10/08/heres-how-many-meals-the-average-american-eats-alone/.
18. “Constant Craving: How Digital Media Turned Us All into Dopamine Addicts.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 22 Aug. 2021, http://www.theguardian.com/global/2021/aug/22/how-digital-media-turned-us-all-into-dopamine-addicts-and-what-we-can-do-to-break-the-cycle.
aspoonfulofstories 
Leave a comment